Hubs and his knee are recovering after his knee replacement.
Hospital visits (here, anyway) come with lots of restrictions. Yesterday I was allowed in the surgery waiting room while hubs was in surgery, but once he was done in recovery I only had about 5 minutes with him outside the elevator doors before they wisked him to his room for the night. I won't see him again until I pick him up - possibly tomorrow? I know it's the time we're in, but that just seems crazy to me. Anyway... I figure I put in a full day waiting from 9am 'till 6pm yesterday. And then I just drove home.
A bit numb.
Definitely relieved.
Confused.
Nothing normal about it, for sure. And all the others waiting for their loved ones in surgery spent their day in the exact same shoes.
Alone.
Quiet.
Masked.
Isolated.
I'm trying to trust that masks help in some small way to minimize spread of COVID. I hate the same masks for the isolation they create.
I ripped mine off as I stepped out of the hospital doors and breathed in gloriously fresh air. It had been a beautiful day outside. They should make outdoor waiting rooms...
An hour later I had picked up a supper and was finally home. I spent the rest of the evening texting friends and family and responding to questions, in between hubs and I calling each other numerous times until about 10pm. I know I had the easy part, but it was a long day...
And now today, having nothing pressing for the first time in weeks, I feel like the weight of this last month has finally overcome me. Raw emotion is just under the surface. I can feel it. If I could melt into a puddle I would. I have a new appreciation for the expression, in fact. I'd cry, but I'm afraid if I start, I'll be weepy all day. Best to just suck it up for now, I think. Something to make me laugh sounds good. But I see this morning the news is still bad. People are still insane. And somehow, in the craziness, the world goes on.
And a text from a friend reminds me... I am truly fortunate. A younger couple is separated by the wife being in the very same hospital Hub is in, but she has lung cancer. She's suffering right now from heart failure and renal failure. The husband is afraid he may not see his wife alive again. The hospital does have end-of-live provisions for visitors, so I don't know if he had just gone home exhausted, afraid she might not make it 'till he got back there. I don't know. I only know their hearts are breaking. And the heartbreak is more brutal due to this COVID time.
My situation is easy in comparison. Which is kind of silly to say - because there's no comparison. A new knee is all good.
One more night (at least) for Hub in the hospital. And then I'm on duty again - picking him up, getting instructions, bringing him home. I think being on duty will be easier than this waiting is. While a new knee is all good, waiting is hard. So... for the moment, I'm writing this and will visit a bit with my blogging friends.
Mid-week I wrote Sunday's YOP end-of-year post. That felt good to do. And it's good to have it done.
And while there's plenty, still, I could find to do, I feel too distracted to manage anything much. So I wait, knowing that this feeling will pass.
I hope you have a good weekend!
I think it's okay to cry. There are times when fatigue, reluef, fear, all need an outlet. After that back on the track.
ReplyDeleteAt any time it's exhausting being a family member of a patient. All the attention is on them, has to be, and there's little concern left over for the family. Sometimes the medical people look on you as a team member, and you're not trained and knowledgeable.
But if it's done, good. Maybe a rest is in your immediate future.
Thank you, Liz. I know it's okay to cry, and would encourage another in the same way. I'm being a stubborn not wanting a day to go to waste. It's also very come and go. I think if I can get a good laugh in I'll be (kind of) all new again. And absolutely yes to your second paragraph! I could say more, but Yes! is probably enough. I'll also say, it's unnerving to be thought of as a "team member" when I won't have seen him for at least two days (to see for myself how he's doing) by the time I pick him up.
DeleteHaving been on the waiting end of my husband's illness several years ago, I can feel the raw emotion as I read your words . . . those feelings right on the surface, threatening to spill over but you're too busy thinking and preparing and being a caretaker (or in your case, getting ready to be a caretaker). I was strong through the crisis, but afterward . . . there were moments. But the Lord was faithful to hold us through it all!
ReplyDeleteStopping to say a prayer for you today, and for your husband as he begins his recovery. Oh, and for that poor couple who are going through such heartache.
I have to add that I have those exact feelings about masks.
DeleteI haven't had it nearly as bad as so many I know. I have a friend going through worse, but I too have felt if I let tears come I might not be able to stop them. The insanity of the times is really hard. Thinking of you. I know you will be glad to have him home and take care of him and get him back up. The process of going through all that stuff in your mother-in-law's house doesn't help the mess of emotions. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteSandy, I can only imagine how difficult recent weeks have been for you with your mother ill. I know for me, I usually have the strength for the hard moments and in the quiet moments when the pressure lets up, the moorings start to feel shaky. I think that's what was happening to me this morning. I'm already feeling better. I think just putting my thoughts in writing was helpful.
DeleteI am glad your hubs came thru the surgery ok. How horrible to be waiting that long only to have 5 minutes with him before him being whisked away until discharge. Your emotions are to be expected. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of ups and downs for you.
ReplyDeleteI hope your hubs is a good patient for you. He will not like it if you need to become Nurse Ratchet. You will be busy though since he is not going to be able to drive for a while.
I am sure he is glad to be pain free other than the surgical wound. My parents always said the surgical pain was nothing compared to the worn out joint pain.
I feel as you do about the masks. S blessing and a curse all at the same time.
It was kind of awful waiting knowing the whole time I'd have about five minutes with him. But those five minutes were good. He got a kiss and he was awake enough that we could chat.
DeleteLol at the idea of me becoming Nurse Ratchet. I'm (normally) pretty patient in these circumstances, but there does come a time when he starts feeling better and he loses patience with me wanting to do things for him and I invariably get my feelings hurt because it feels, in the moment, like he doesn't appreciate me. We've done this dance enough times, though, maybe this time around I'll have a thicker skin. ;^)
It's understandable to feel this way!!! God bless you and your Husband 💗💗💗💗💗
ReplyDeleteThank you, Elizabeth. He's coming home today!
DeleteSo glad everything went well except for the "waiting" part and the separation. I imagine you are exhausted. Be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'm realizing I probably did make it sound like separation was a big issue, but it wasn't that, per se. Hubs and I are pretty independent people in terms of being separated.
DeleteIt was not being able to observe for myself how he was doing. Only being able to communicate with a nurse by phone - and the limitations that comes with that.
Not being there in person made me feel like I couldn't be an adequate advocate for him. I was mostly worried he wouldn't ask for pain medicine before it had become excruciating - and that happened once. I think he learned his lesson because he asked the doctor for some of the "good stuff" in his home prescription. That alone, is a great relief to me. He's doing really well, and I'm so glad to be able to see that with my own eyes. :)
Hi Becki, I think you should cry it out. I cry a lot. It's my "go to" stress-reliever to be honest. I completely relate to your sense of confusion with regards to the hospital situation. The waiting would kill me. I think that your hubby should be home now and I'm happy that the two of you can be together. It's heart-breaking to read about that young couple I don't know what I'd do if Alex and I were forced apart, pandemic or not.
ReplyDeleteThe isolation and not being with a loved one at the end of their life seems, too me, the most cruel thing about this virus. I wonder if we will look back and recognize we could have handled it so differently. I wish we could look forward and resolve to find ways to handle the distancing differently since we're going to be dealing with COVID for some time yet.
DeleteIf you need to let go, then do it. No one is judging you. Hope your husband is comfortable and recovering smoothly.
ReplyDeleteLet go of... tears? Of course there's a time for that - I just knew it wasn't going to result in anything more than a headache the day I wrote the above post. Actually, writing out what I was feeling was pretty therapeutic. I often find writing out a problem (and the reasons behind the problem) to be a great way to get to a solution. But I enjoy writing; I'm sure that's not everyone's thing. The wonderful news is once DH got home, I could see he was doing well and he's been great. The pain isn't too bad, and he's just managing so well - even with the limitations he has in these early days. All is (mostly) well in my world today. :)
DeleteI'm relieved that the surgery is over even though it's been hard on you both to be separated. Not only do you have the worry about the surgery itself but also the thought of any possibility of picking up the virus. I can understand why your emotions would be all over the place. Give my best wishes for a speedy recovery to your husband....if he's home by now he's in the very best of hands.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mary Anne. That's so sweet of you.
DeleteAgreed! The face mask comes off as soon as I am outside, it's hard to breathe with it on, but is required in all indoor facilities in Ohio now.
ReplyDeleteIt's almost hard to imagine a time in the future where we'll no longer wear masks...
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