I am now three quarters of the way through my chemotherapy, am climbing out of some rough days after my last treatment, and I am starting to feel some new motivation.
I'm at a place I couldn't even imagine being just a couple of weeks ago. On my good days I do fairly normal things, am sometimes out around people (though I do have to be smart about that with a compromised immune system), looking perfectly fine... Halfway through a chemo cycle, if you didn't know I'd had chemo 10 days prior, you wouldn't know! That said, I have lacked any real motivation for getting back to a lot that is normal for me. In this post, I'm referring to hobbies I used to enjoy. I see them sitting there and I want to want to do them, but I have lacked the motivation to actually do them. Things like crafting, embroidery, cross stitch, slow drawing (if you don't know what that is, think of it as purposeful doodling)...
But something seems to be changing inside me, and I am so thankful for it. I've even begun to consider taking up sewing again - like maybe clothing. I haven't sewn clothing since... Wow - how long has it been? I made some maternity clothes 29 years ago. And I made some flannel pajamas for our boys when they were little. Okay, I've sewn here and there over the years. Craft projects, even home projects have seen me sitting at the sewing machine. While it was over a decade ago, youngest son would benefit each semester from my sewing skills when he needed a costume (usually something adapted from the thrift store) for a high school drama he was in. My sewing machine has always been fairly handy, but I don't think I've sewn an article of clothing in 20 - 25 years.
I know what has piqued my interest. Greg has recently posted some old pictures to a family Facebook group, and in two pictures I recognized I'm wearing things I made when I was young. In fact... just for fun, here is a scan of a newspaper clipping of young me sewing a 4-H project. Or maybe I was just posing for the 4-H Fair supplement for the local paper:
So... I provide this as proof that I used to be a sewer. Or maybe the better word is sewist. A maker of garments. Seeing pictures of things I had made (and me wearing them) made me think of other pieces of clothing I've made in years' past. These pictures and memories sparked something inside of me.
Okay... I'm not sure about getting back to sewing clothing for sure. I'm just dreaming at the moment. But dreaming feels good. And a little doing recently has done me good.
It's funny what can come along and push us out of our inertia when we are struggling with motivation. With cooler weather right around the corner I've started looking at my clothes to see what still fits me at this point, what can take me through fall and winter, and what might benefit from some simple altering. I found a few tops that, by altering the neckline, should be very comfortable and decent looking for me to wear. And I'm so surprised at what has happened. Simply putting thread to needle, and doing the easiest of clothing alterations has inspired me to want to do more handwork.
It led me to pick up another needle and thread and start working on my Quaker Sampler again.
And I've even gotten some ideas for hand-stitched Christmas ornaments - some "scrappy" slow-stitching kind of projects.
This is actually a fairly ambitious project (for me), and if I'm being completely honest, I'm a tiny bit scared I'll not follow through. Wish me well that I have enough gumption to get it started, let alone finished.
I am so relieved to be feeling motivated again to play with fabric and thread. To just be dreaming of things I want to make is quite the improvement.
There is nothing wrong with setting aside activities, even abandoning them completely as life changes, but that's not what I wanted. I have wanted for so long to get back to making things - really, since our move nearly two years ago I haven't been overly motivated to do handcrafts. And this year, with all the cancer business, my zeal for "making" has just been completely zapped. I'm feeling relieved that something seems to have changed in me.
I'm curious... What do you do when you find your motivation for favorite activities waning?
I remember your quaker sampler. I love it. So glad to see you are starting to feel like 'making' again. I stopped criss stitching for about 20 years and just picked it up again 3 years ago. How I missed it. I let it go because of my hands not being able to hold a needle for more than a minute or two. After my mom passed away I found myself wondering if I could pick up where she left off. She was a master at xs and needlepoint. It makes me feel very close to her.
ReplyDeleteMarsha, you and I have similar experiences with cross stitching. When I picked it back up, it was so pleasant to do I wondered why I ever stopped. Raising kids, homeschooling them and all that that entailed left little time or space in my brain for sitting and stitching.
DeleteIt is good you feel inspired to make things again.
ReplyDeleteSewing does have an special pull that brings thoughts to good places.
Reading you words, I realize it has been years since wore anything I made. Decades ago I also wore clothes I made.
May, it was really kind of magical when I starting thinking of different things I've made to wear over the years. I had even made a shirt for my brother. I hope I can find a picture sometime of him wearing it. It would make my heart happy. Just remembering I made it and I think he wore it makes me happy to think about.
DeleteWould I be wrong to call you seamstress? :)
ReplyDeleteThe sampler is gorgeous! It looks like something that could be strenuous, and therefore require taking your time to prevent headaches and cramped fingers.
I understand lack of motivation. And I don't have a good answer for you.
Once a month my son takes me to a flea market that my husband and I used to go to.
I visit with people who became good friends when my husband was still alive.
I planted some potatoes and harvested a few, even with the heat and drought Louisiana had this year.
But I can't say that my motivation has returned. I've been attending church online on Sundays.
I Praise God for all that I read in your post today, Becki. :)
A hand made Christmas ornament would probably make wonderful gifts, should you go that route.
You all be safe and God bless.
Seamstress is a good word, Linda. It sounds a little more professional than what I do, but yes - I think it works. The sampler is an odd combination of intense focus, a bit of physical stress (on shoulders, mostly) and a type of meditative experience. Because I have this project on a table stand, it does not hurt my fingers at all, but I do have to pace myself with it. Give my shoulders and eyes a break from time to time.
DeleteI am glad to read the things you are doing for yourself, Linda. I don't know fully your story, but the loss of your husband has been so recent, I can only imagine how hard it might be to do things. To find motivation. I pray it will return for you.
That sampler is so beautiful 😍 I totally get not being able to do everything and agree that just wanting to is really good! Blessings ❤️
ReplyDeleteElizabeth, part of this process of my motivation returning was a conversation a few weeks ago with my physical therapist. As part evaluating my progress, she asked me how I was doing emotionally. I admitted to her I had gone through some serious depression after the hospital drama, but I had also finally come out of it with some renewed motivation. I hadn't yet picked up any needle or thread, but I remember telling her for so long I've had no motivation for my hobbies, but I was at least starting to want to want to do them again. She seemed to understand. It took another week or two before I took action, but once I did my "wanter" was ignited.
DeleteThat fallow period happens to a lot of us. And I think it's a time we're just letting new ideas germinate I'm very glad your mojo is coming back now. Not surprising considering the emotional toll of the last couple of years that you took a break
ReplyDeleteFallow is a great word, Liz. :)
DeleteBecki, I consider it completely legitimate that just planning activities is a form of progress. And coming back to things after years, or even decades, is no bad thing. Sometimes things that worked for one season in our life and then not in another suddenly take on a new life.
ReplyDeleteYou know, TB... Except for occasional sewing, I pretty completely put my handcrafts aside when my boys were young. When I picked them back up after nearly 20 years I regretted that my sons had not really seen me doing these things for most of their lives. What felt like getting back to favorite hobbies, to my family probably looked like I was suddenly a different person. Really, they were just seeing a more complete me.
DeleteHow cool to see the newspaper clipping of you sewing. At that age, I remember sewing scrunchies for my hair. I don't sew much now, but would like to! I have a friend who does, she buys some beautiful linens and sews up simple yet great shirts, skirts, dresses.
ReplyDeleteMartha, I would imagine sewing garments from such a traditional, classic fabric would be very satisfying.
DeleteI've been having motivation problems too. Most times I do waste some days not doing what I wish I could be doing. I have all kinds of excuses. I'm happy you are feeling like getting back to doing the things you love to do. There is so much healing in that. Praying for you my friend!
ReplyDeleteYes, Debra, there IS healing in doing things we love to do. Thank you for your prayers.
DeleteI just go with the flow because I know that my mojo will come back at some point as crafting has been a lifelong passion, you name it I have tried it. I hardily made anything during the Summer but now I too have got my sewing machine out and I'm making little Christmas decorations motivated by my sewing group. I think sometimes just taking that first step is all it takes because once you get going there will be no stopping you. I love that photo of sweet little Becki. xx
ReplyDeleteLinda, I think that is very true. Just making the first movement in getting back to something is all that is needed.
DeleteI am so happy to hear this, Becki! And I love the photo of little you at the sewing machine. You are in my prayers every Tuesday and I am so thankful to hear how the Lord is answering.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I lose interest in making things because I seriously don't have the time to do so. And for awhile, I stopped cross stitching because my aging eyes made it hard to see. So at that point I went back to embroidery, my first crafting love, because it was easier on my eyes. I've since found that with proper lighting and magnification, I can still cross stitch. But with any crafting, the time constraint tends to be what discourages me the most. And unless I can make myself be content with just a few stitches on a project at a time, I'm more apt to just not start. Yet, as Linda said just above, my crafting mojo always does come back at some point.
I too sewed a number of garments in the past -- mostly for my daughters, but some for myself as well. I guess if your experience is anything to go by, I had better prepare myself, because I have "alter pajamas" on my list!
Mrs. T., thank you for your prayers. I am touched. And I am confident I am helped by them. I am noticing with this return to cross stitching that my eyesight is diminished somehow. It could be a permanent floater from when I had a vitreous detachment in 2020, or it could be a temporary side effect of chemo, or I suppose it could simply be aging eyes. I need to get this sampler done while I can!
DeleteWell, I had a surgery as you know and my crafting mojo also took a hit. I think it will all return once you get back to a normal life that is not filled with treatments. It is all right. It will all be there waiting for you when you area whole again.
ReplyDeleteI think you're right, Elaine. Life has not been "normal" for me since the end of 2020, which is really when I started to let my crafting languish. I do think I'm going to still need to push through some inertia, but it feels good to have my gears turning again, at least.
DeleteTo answer your question, when my motivation is low, which it was in the earlier days of grief over the passing of my husband, I confess I would watch TV more than usual. Then I migrated to the "slow drawing" as I think you called it. Actually it wasn't so much drawing as just coloring in designs with my big collection of colored pencils. Just simple activities that did not require setting up much of anything (like a sewing machine, ironing board, etc).
ReplyDeleteI am very glad to see that you are feeling an improvement and some urges to be more normal than you've been able to enjoy since this all began. The Lord continues to bring you to mind just about daily, so I pray for your recovery.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Barbara. And thank you for the prayers.
DeleteBecki I didn't even know you were sick, I'm so sorry, sending hugs ♥♥
ReplyDeleteThank you, Rain.
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