About mid-December, I thought I'd take a week or so off from blogging, thinking I'd be back soon, and then the weekend before Christmas my world upended.
On Thursday the 17th, I received a call telling me my brother was being taken to a Hospice facility. We have not had contact in a long time and I had no idea he was even sick before that dreadful moment. He informed me he was diagnosed with colon cancer in June, he went through treatment, but "it didn't go well".
A master of understatement, he was single, never married, lived alone, and he had listed me as his emergency contact.
A phone call that compelled me to want to be with him, also came with the knowledge that being with him would be impossible once he was admitted into the hospice facility - due to COVID restrictions. And it was impossible for me to get there before that door literally closed to me.
I was able to have one short phone conversation with him an hour or so later, after he'd gotten settled, but he was quickly overcome by sleep from the medications he was on. The next day, Friday, I drove to the facility in hopes that I could visit with him - though they would only allow a "patio visit" where I would be on the outside of the window to his room. I was there, but he had no idea. He would not wake up.
He never woke up.
I do not believe the Hospice nurses thought death was that imminent, but he died the next day, Saturday the 19th.
I hope to post his obituary here soon. A sister is writing it; she has a beautiful way with words. For now I just want to let my blogging friends know why I am not here. Why I have not been visiting blogs in the last couple of weeks. That I am deeply saddened by grief. I'm better than I was just 2 days ago when I was still utterly crushed and devastated with grief and regret. The grief, of course, ebbs and flows.
Someday soon I'm sure I'll come back to regular blogging - maybe after New Year's, and maybe I'll even have the desire for sharing about the happy or even mundane things of life again. I miss the camaraderie of my blogging friends. The catching up with one another. Lives touching other lives around the world. I am so thankful for each of you.
For now, your prayers and kind words are greatly appreciated. And, if you like, leave a note telling me who you told "I love you" today.
I just told a good friend who texted today to check on me. 💗
Prayers and deepest sympathy for your loss. This is sad news.
ReplyDeleteYou need theses days to grieve. Taking time away, bloggers, I feel, are not really alone. When one is missing, they are missed with concern, knowing they will return when they are ready.
Oh my, Becki. You have all of my love, prayers and deepest sympathy. I cannot even imagine how hard this must have been. Clearly you should take as much time as you need and just know we are here if you need anything. 💔❤
ReplyDeleteSo very sorry to hear your very sad news Becki, sending my deepest condolences and hugs to you. xx
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to go through what you are experiencing at any time of the year, but at Christmas time when the world is celebrating and cheer seems everywhere - it is especially hard. I lost my parents at Christmas - one in 1970 and one in 2014 - years and years apart, but it still colors my enjoyment of the holiday.
ReplyDeleteBe very kind to yourself now. You are grieving many things that only you can know. My thoughts are with you during this time.
My sincerest condolences to you, Becki. Prayers for you and your family during this time of grief and regret. Take all the time you need. We miss you and will be here if you need us.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry for your loss - finding him again, and losing him again, difficult to even imagine. Stay strong. ��
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear of this. I lost my daddy young and I am sure during my teen years my friends thought I was nuts because I wouldn't leave the house without saying I love you to my mom. I know your grief is hard, but don't be hard on yourself. God loves you and hears you and will walk with you. I will add you to my prayer list. Yes, bloggers understand. We only post the pretty, but life is NOT always pretty. No one gets out of life with no trouble. Take care and I will pray for you.
ReplyDeleteOh Becki, I am so very sorry. Take all the time you need and just know that my thoughts are with you and my prayers too.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss Becki. Family estrangement can make things difficult and if you feel there are things unsaid that need to be then saying them to a photo or the grave or ashes can really help lift the burden of words unspoken. We will be here whenever you need us. Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteBecki, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's bad enough to lose somebody but not even getting to say goodbye, and in the process maybe mend some of the broken patches, is just devastating. I know you believe in God so may you find at least some peace in Rev. 21:4 and the knowledge that one day soon, death will be no more, and we'll meet our loved ones again. Hugs to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss, Becki. I came in search of you just now because I hadn't seen you blogging recently, and found this post. It's so mixed, that loss, and having been out of touch for a long time before, and still he's your brother. Give yourself all the time you need. Your blogger friends will still be here, and will be happy whenever you're able to come in and greet us. Doesn't have to be cheerful and upbeat, if you don't feel that way. Just know that you're in our minds.
ReplyDeleteSuch a sad grief for you to bear. I am so very sorry. You point is well taken...it is important to say "I love you."
ReplyDeleteYou are all in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI know words are not enough. I can't imagine your grief but I hope it does not overwhelm you. I'm glad you got that last phone call with your brother. We will miss your updates but take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteThat is sad news and I am sorry to hear it. My deepest condolences to you. We have also lost a family member this week and I can relate to the grief coming in waves. Take care; peace to your heart and love to your family. Jenn
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry for your sudden loss. Sending you a hug.
ReplyDeleteYou did all that could. I read your past few posts...your sister wrote a beautiful obituary!
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