Waiting...

 At Ruth's Photo Blog I recently read this quote:

Do not look back on happiness, or dream of it in the future.

You are only sure of today, do not let yourself be cheated out of it.

~ Henry Ward Beecher

When I first read the quote above I was profoundly struck that for weeks now I have been trying to put into practice this idea of living in the moment, without being completely conscious I was doing it.  And then today - after a week that contained a challenging-to-me procedure and phone calls yesterday and another this morning that contained stressful conversations - I opened this post to finish it up and I was profoundly struck by the need to keep my focus on the right things.  On good things.  To not let the bad things spoil the good things.  

See... I'm in a time of waiting.  When we're waiting for something it can be hard to stay in the present, and it is easy to be robbed of the happiness that is found in what may seem like small moments of today.

Soon enough I'll likely share what it is I'm waiting for, but today I want to address this idea of staying in the present.  

Last weekend, a road trip 3 hours north to see our son and his girlfriend, somehow turned into a drive of 4 hours up and 5 hours back.  We spent two days dodging chilly rain showers, but we were not grumpy.  We were actually pretty well behaved - in spite of the weather, and in spite of my still tricky knee.  We enjoyed both the visit and the drive.  The destination and the journey.

This week has turned beautiful and yesterday we tilled a place in the front yard under a tree and spread grass seed and straw in an attempt to get grass to grow in this unlikely place.  We're a few weeks late doing this, but it felt good to get it done, and we look forward to seeing if our labor (and expense) pays off.  Regardless of the outcome, today we're enjoying the satisfaction of a job done and a hope for what it will bring.

This week I have been visiting my friend Ruth (not to be confused with Ruth at Ruth's Photoblog linked above) every day that I can while her husband and daughters are on a trip.   Ruth is in the nursing home now, deep in her dementia, but she is still the sweetest, most content person I've ever met.   Yesterday we read for a bit from a book she wrote years ago about her life.   

Since discovering Ruth's story of her life, I have encouraged my friends that we need to record stories from our lives like this.   I haven't yet put mine down on paper, but it's on my bucket list.   Ruth's book is not only a gift for her grandchildren (the people for whom the book was originally written), but it is a gift to Ruth now that her memories are mostly gone.  She takes so much pleasure in her own stories being read to her.

It has been good spending some concentrated time with Ruth this week.  For an hour or so each day in the late afternoon, it has help to ground me during this week of upending things.  Spending time with Ruth teaches me lessons about living in the moment because, for Ruth, the present moment is all that exists.  While dementia erases a lifetime of yesterdays, it also renders the concept of tomorrow meaningless. 

Time spent with Ruth also emphasizes to me how important it is to be the person I want to be while I still have the ability to shape myself.  At the point she is in her dementia, Ruth appears to embody her true essence.  I feel like I am witnessing the results of a life well lived.  A life where Christian faith and love were the bedrocks upon which it was constructed.  Ruth appears at peace, even when words don't string together in a way that make sense.  When a song from her past is played or sung, she is instantly and completely attentive.  It's as if the words and music that at one time resided in her mind and flowed out from the tips of her fingers onto the keyboard have become imprinted on her soul, and she is captivated. 

I learn so much being in the company of this Godly woman.  I always leave Ruth's company wanting to be more like her.  I met Ruth after her diagnosis of dementia.  I have not experienced the loss of all that she was before this cruel disease began to slash away at her memories.  But throughout her decline she has taught me so many lessons about life, about being a disciple of Christ.  Not so much with her words, but with her being. 

Which brings me back to my waiting...  I'm not sure how long this period of waiting I am in is going to last.  While at the moment, it seems interminable, I know it's probably only a matter of a few more weeks.  Or maybe a month - surely not two.  Hopefully, it will last long enough for us to get a garden in, and maybe a little more landscaping.  I really want to pick strawberries this spring.  And I'm contemplating planting a flower garden instead of a vegetable garden this year.  Priorities have changed.  

I know this post is vague and may sound mysterious.  I apologize for that.  Maybe I should have waited 'till I could say more to say anything at all.  On the other hand this lesson of living in the moment and waiting seems important to share.  It's what I'm living right now.

Let me say this... while my thing is not pleasant, it does not appear to be a terrible thing, and I am very thankful for that.  But it is a thing, nonetheless.  And the path toward the thing being resolved is paved with challenging and unpleasant and sometimes stressful things that require a certain amount of fortitude and waiting. 

Life, in general can be like that.  There are many reasons why waiting is required in life, and it is important to acknowledge and accept that.  The days of waiting can be purposeful.  Sometimes the purpose is to get oneself prepared for something.  And sometimes the opportunity is there to just concentrate on being.

We don't give enough credit to the importance of being.

And yet, in many ways, being is of utmost importance.

I want to be happy.

To be content.

To be prepared.

To be wise.

To be confident.

To be kind.

To be full of faith.. 

 

This is not an exhaustive list.  And your list may be be vastly different from my list of what I want to be.

If we go through our days so busily doing that we pay little attention to how and what we are being and becoming, we can miss a lot.  

We miss lessons.  

We miss blessings.

We miss opportunities.

We can miss relationships that might have made us better.

We can entirely miss what we are becoming until we've become it and wonder how it happened that we are who we are.

We may miss God in our midst.

The next two weeks on my calendar are filled with more things I need to do.  I'm clinging to the thought that while I am doing stuff that needs to be done, I must not forget what I am, and who I want to be:  a child of God who is continually growing in knowing her true purpose. 

Right this moment, I'm being thoughtful, thankful, and patient (more or less).  I'm being flexible (as if I have a choice).  I'm trying to be ready for what's ahead, while at the same time stay in the present as best as I can.

So I'm curious...  what are you being right now?  Or what is on your list of things you want to be?

~~~~~~~